Holding onto hope and light through tears

I’ve now lived the equivalent of half his lifetime without him. I no longer remember the intimate details of his life; the memory of his scent, his voice, his walk have faded over the eight years that have passed. Sometimes I even wonder, “Did he really exist?” because it’s been so long since I’ve seen...

75 things my mother left behind

As promised in my last post, I am following up with a list of 75 things I'm thankful for in memory of my mother who would have celebrated her 75th birthday on Thanksgiving this year. Many of these are things she left behind, things for which I am forever grateful. In no particular order, I...

Thanksgiving, a birthday, and grief

Dear Mom, I remember how the six of us kids came up with a list of 70 things and/or memories we loved about you for your 70th birthday five years ago. You were beyond ecstatic over it. It was, of course, my idea. LOL! (Yep, sibling rivalry still exists as adults!) We printed off the...

When you don’t feel thankful because grief is all you feel

I received a message from a friend the other morning that simply said, "Praying for you." I began to cry. I hadn't gotten out of bed yet, but already upon opening my eyes, grief rushed in like a tidal wave. Every day closer to Thanksgiving and my mother's birthday more dreaded than the last. Thoughts...

The awkward, painful dance of thanksgiving

It's a week away from Thanksgiving, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. I've spent the first three weeks of November running as fast as I can, intentionally driving myself head down into busyness, charging full speed ahead, hoping somehow to just run right through Thanksgiving like a game of Red Rover,...

Dear Mom, All the things I want to tell you and more

Dear Mom, Aaron got his ACT score back this morning. He got a 31. The first thing I wanted to do was call you. And just like that, grief stomped on my chest, knocking the wind out of me, leaving me with that all too familiar feeling of suffocating. I wanted to call you last...

One mother-less year: A death date anniversary.

Oct. 10th, 2018. 10pm - My phone rings. I see my sister Cathy's name and number and immediately know something is up. She NEVER calls after 8pm. Never. I hear the words, "Mom's been hit by a car." I'm thinking, "What?! What do you mean she's been hit by a car? She's on vacation with...

The sound of marching grief steps

It's Sunday, almost midnight, and each day closer to the 10th of October falls heavy like an advancing enemy army. The approaching grief steps toward the one year anniversary of the day my precious mother died stomp like the sound of thunder on my heart. I lie sleepless for too many hours each night, my...

The if onlys once again

One year ago today, Friday, my mother and her husband of 16 months left on a tour bus vacation headed east. Never in a million years did I think she wouldn't be coming back. I want to scream, but it's like in a dream where you try to scream but can't. They were supposed to...